Reviewed: A Matchmaker Party At Sake No Hana with Social Concierge
July 28, 2015 4550 Views

Reviewed: A Matchmaker Party At Sake No Hana with Social Concierge

Whether it’s dinner parties, flat parties or territorial warfare, it’s almost always better second time round. You come to the game with that bit more experience. So when out-of-our-league-but-increasingly-in-our-favourite-people-list Nana from Social Concierge called up at the beginning of last week inviting us to yet another instalment of the SC matchmaker nights, it didn’t take us long to assemble a task force of highly trained reprobates. In fact, upon reading how the night panned out last time, one of the team actually travelled down from Scotland specifically for the event.

The sequel to our first date night turned out to be less Pirates of The Caribbean and more Mad Max: a total remake. Held at Sake No Hana, this time the venue was smaller, there was substantially more Actual Interaction With Real Girls and an awful lot more alcohol. It was held on a Thursday, which changed the dynamic somewhat – notably that everyone drunk a lot more, in a much shorter period of time. Oh, and Grayson Perry showed up for a chat. Which was nice.

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Both have, at some point, modelled women’s underwear.

Here’s how it panned out:

7.04 PM Once again, there is an assembly at a nearby pub for a last minute man-chat. The characters involved this time are Dutch, Suit (veterans from last time) Earl, Lawyer, BeetleJuice & Scotsman. Dutch & Suit are quick to whip up a frenzy amongst the new arrivals regaling the troops with war stories and emphasising the need to stick together and work hard at the final push at the end of the night (known traditionally as Going Over The Top, and at these gatherings as Going Into Her Top). Lawyer is easily the smartest dressed of the group, and proudly displays two grey hairs he’s left on his fringe as part of his “silver fox” strategy. Earl, the newest-single of the group is worried that rumours of his likely inebriated behaviour tonight will work their way back to his ex-girlfriend, at the mention of which he was informed to work his way to the bottom of his pint, sharpish. Beetlejuice planned to use a campaign of gentle wit and charm to work his way back to a female’s house, whereby what happened next would likely traumatise her. Scotsman had began pre-gaming at 11am on the train down, and had brought a suitcase with him in part to show he was “that ready for a serious relationship.”

 

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The veterans went through some key strategy points with the new arrivals beforehand.

8.03 PM We’re outside the venue.

8.04 PM Nope. This is the wrong venue. Pregame obviously went pretty well.

8.18 PM We arrive at Sake No Hana like all bad news: without warning and ready to spread. The veterans of the group know the deal, calm and collected on the door. Suit has removed his tie, Dutch has removed his accent. Game time. Beetlejuice insists on saying his name to the reception girl three times and Scotsman looks about him with amazement: both at the girls visible through the glass door and at London in general, what with all it’s electric lighting and ceilings and whatnot.

8.28 PM We’re in. We’re handed some kind of chilli-infused cocktail that almost kills The Male Report, causes Dutch to quietly scream and Scotsman to ask if there are any more. There’s a bigger, more active team of Introducers this time and they’re far more on it than before.

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The introducers had been upgraded, it seems.

Dutch & Suit are immediately approached by one of the Introducers who subtly starts pointing out potential targets in the room. The smaller space of the venue has already pushed potential groups shoulder to shoulder so it’s far less school-disco than before. Dutch & Suit are marched over to a group of girls by their introducer. We’re marched to the bar by Scotsman and Lawyer. It’s Thursday. Whilst there are rumours of an afterparty at Mahiki, we’re on the page that we have a two and half hour window before people begin breaking for the late tubes so there’s to be no messing about apparently. Scotsman orders 2 beers, 2 shots, then asks if anyone else fancies a drink.

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Scotsman thanked the barman for the “Orange squash” and asked if there were any alcoholic drinks around.


8.34 PM It dawns on us that there’s a film crew there from Channel 4. Grayson Perry is also there and is quick to get into an in-depth conversation with Beetlejuice about pottery.

8.42 PM Earl now joins the conversation. A camera crew are now filming.

8.58 PM Like a moth to a will-probably-be-shown-at-4am flame, we find ourselves wandering over. Grayson Perry is a famous artist and cross dresser. We’re curious.

8.59 PM “So, in your opinion, whose better dressed tonight: the girls or the guys?”

9.01 PM Grayson Perry explains “I’m not here to talk about me” before going into some depth about his background. Aware the camera is still there, we try out utmost to keep a hold on what he’s saying however Scotsman has now wandered over and is busy undoing our shirt, whilst on camera.

 

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At this point some of the camera crew couldn’t actually watch.

9.03 PM Grayson Perry resumes his conversation with Beetlejuice, who breaks off midway to say to Earl “This homeless guy is actually pretty interesting”, within earshot.

9.05 PM The Grayson Perry meet and greet abruptly ends.

9.14 PM Another round at the bar. Dutch and Suit are deep in conversation with their initial group and things seem to be progressing well. Earl is talking to another group in the corner of the room and Lawyer is prowling around with intent. Scotsman begins a conversation with a French girl before grabbing Male Report by the scruff of the next and saying “Aye, this one’s for you pal” and heading back to the bar for round 4.

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French Girl

9.17 PM French Girl (FG) is pretty cute. Some discussion takes place on the London dating scene.

9.18 PM Some discussion takes place on the French dating scene in London.

9.19 PM Some discussion takes place on the Londoner dating scene, in France.

9.20 PM Dutch comes over with “Hey, I’m the lifeboat. Drink?” But FG is now talking in some detail about her job so we stick around.

9.21 PM An Introducer appears with “Your 3’O clock, by the end table. She’s a fan. Shall I introduce?”

9.21 PM and 8 seconds We look over.

9.21 PM and 14 seconds. We’re in love. Note to self. Buy SC owner Nana something expensive. Someday.

9.36 PM The introducer efficiently steers us to a group of girls, then as we politely attempt to introduce ourselves to all, more or less shoves us in front of the highlight of our evening. An Incredibly Sexy Investment Specialist.

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Incredibly Sexy Investment Specialist, or ISIS.

9.38 PM We start our negotiations with ISIS. They’re based in Canary Wharf and work in finance. In short, we have exactly zero in common. Not that it’s a problem as we’re personally convinced we’re going to marry them. Possibly that night. We’re veterans now, you see. We’re not going have have another F2 moment like last time. We’re going to be smooth, we’re going to be suave, we’re going to make sure that they’re going to be so completely blown away by-

9.41 PM Oh balls. ISIS has been in talks with us for several minutes and we’ve been too busy staring to actually take anything in. Okay, we need to focus.

9.42 PM ISIS does Yoga, or Pilates.

9.43 PM So do we. Oh, yeah, like all the time. You know we used to play Yoga like 4 times a week at Uni. Full contact and everything. We got scouted for nationals once…

9.48 PM We’re sort of so transfixed by ISIS that everything else in the room has zoned out. We’re into a leftfield discussion following ISIS’ enquires about our tattoo. This all seems to be going pretty well.

10.04 PM Scotsman arrives. “Jesus man! You’ve pulled!”

10.04 pm and 4 seconds: ISIS “Not yet he hasn’t.”

10.04 pm and 14 seconds: Scotsman. “This guy, this guy and I were bestest best friends at Uni. The amount of times we’ve been inside each other…”

10.04 pm, 17 seconds: Scotsman leaves by line-dancing to the bar.

10:05 pm: ISIS: “So….who are you here with?” We point out the other members of our group around the bar. “Literally a whose-who of the most drunk guys in here, then….”

 

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Perhaps, as a group, not as respectable looking as we planned by this stage.

10:08 pm: We’re grabbed by a photographer. In turn we grab ISIS for a picture on the grounds of “We have to be prepared for these public outings as a couple. Best start now.”

10.08 pm and 4 seconds ISIS laughs. We are so winning.

10:18 pm We review the situation. Lawyer is busy exchanging numbers with a victim in the corner. We’re unsure if the lines “Have you been injured at work? Would you like to be?” were used. Suit has made impressive leeway. Earl has been impressively friendzoned. Beetlejuice walked into a mirror and sort of ended up outside.

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Beetlejuice certainly looked sharp. It’s still uncertain why he didn’t pull….

Dutch has been speaking to the same girl for over an hour and looks to be successfully in there. Scotsman now hands out Jagerbombs to the group. ISIS informs us they’re not a fan of chemical weapons and hands us theirs too. It really is love.

10:22 pm  FG makes a beeline for us but is unfortunately handed off by Scotsman who has now grabbed the photographer, Earl, a barman and one of ISIS’s friends and is attempting to sing Auld Lang Syne on the grounds of “It’s only a few months ’til new year.”

10:41 pm: We catch site of Beetlejuice, who is still outside the venue and is apparently unable to get back in. “Maybe I could ask the homeless guy” he suggests through the window. The Channel 4 team are beating a hasty exit despite Earl’s attempts at pitching “A kind of sitcom mostly based, you know, around me” and Lawyer’s offer to “arrange all the paperwork” for a simple monthly fee.
10:52 pm. It’s the final push and there’s just a whole lot of kissing. Dutch is in the corner with his intended victim. Suit has moved to an appropriately dark area of the bar with his victim, Earl has somehow managed to almost-escape the friend zone and is exchanging numbers with a victim. Scotsman kisses a bartender.

10:53 pm: We are kissing ISIS.

10.54 pm: We are now adjusting our bulging jeans. ISIS regards us with a look which at the time we interpreted as deep seated lust but in retrospect may well have been scientific curiosity.

10.57 pm: We have ISIS’ contact details. We have set a date. This is, totally happening.

11.04 pm: Suit and Dutch successfully make it to the afterparty at Mahiki, where intel informs us Suit did indeed go home with someone.

11.05 pm We arrive at Mahiki with Earl and Scotsman to be informed “you’re kidding, right?”.

11.07 pm: Uber. Feel seriously hazy. Successful however, with the acquisition of ISIS and the confirmation of An Actual Real Date this coming week.

It Actually Works

Of 7 people, 5 exchanged numbers, 1 went home with someone that very night and 2 are on subsequent dates. Can’t argue with that. We shall see how date night with ISIS goes.

Nice One.

 
Social Concierge. Is London’s leading matchmaking service for young City professionals. It’s so successful in fact, that even we pull. Find out more about SC, and how to join, here. Or get your stalk on with their Instagram at dateconcierge

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