Holidaying With The Potential-In-Laws: A Guide.
June 23, 2015 2170 Views

Holidaying With The Potential-In-Laws: A Guide.

You’re Going On Holiday With Her Parents.

Last time you went a family holiday it was with your own folks.

You were 15, painfully horny, dying to get your mitts on alcohol and/or female and felt consistently awkward. Then, from age 17 the Lads Trips Abroad started and you were sorted. Now you’re ready for the second rite of passage. You’re finally old enough to go on holiday with the parents again. It’s just this time, they’re not yours.   

The GFriend has asked you to go on holiday, with her folks.

The resulting Potential In-Law break will probably be like Edward Snowden’s previous home life. A beautiful location by the sea, a devoted other half, and a whole lot of surreptitious surveillance going on in the background. Passing this test is like any other job interview. You’ve just got to look the part and say the right stuff. We’ve compiled a £100 Meet The Parents Weekender Kit via H&M, along with some general advice. Should you end up in a Marriage Situation you’re going to have to be diplomatic with these people for its 8 year duration. So it’s good to get off on the right foot.

 

inlawpic

Father and Potential-Son-In-Law-Awkward-Bonding to be expected.

Part One: The Airport

Join The Jean Pool

We don’t care if it’s 28 degrees in the UK. Wear Jeans to the airport. Ideally black jeans. You’ll look slick, and they’ll come in handy for dinners later on in the holiday. Don’t own a pair of black jeans? We’ll do a whole post on jeans in the near future. For now though, get a pair of these:
Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 11.34.22

£14.99

Buy It Here (Opens in new tab)

Get Through Check-In

A short sleeve summer shirt is incredibly versatile. It’s  formal-ish, being a shirt, but casual enough that it won’t feel stiff. It’s also a good conversation starter as you and PIL (Pop-In-Law) can joke about “summer shirts, eh?” and make references to Hawaiian shirts, floral patterns, “Get them from curtains, then?” etc, all of which will cut the ice and help take away PIL’s growing anxiety that he booked adjoining rooms and may be spending the next 5 days listening to his beloved Lizzy being thoroughly room-serviced.  

Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 11.43.15

£12.99

Buy It Here (Opens in new tab)

Some Airport Ground Rules:

DO:

-Turn up a a bit earlier than you normally would at an airport
– Have all your tickets printed. PIL will be doing the head-of-the-family bit and have printed off yours already, just laugh embarrassedly and mention that you always like to be safe about these things. “Likes to be Safe”, he’ll think to himself. ‘Good. No babies before marriage then.’  Silent-Imaginary-Fist-Bump. Keep this up, kid.

DON’T

-Mention that last you were in the airport was for “big Dwain’s Stag to Bratislava and we were in the WetherSpoon’s at 5.48 getting the beers in and Josh was sick on the Stewardess ahahahaha aaaah Airports. Memories.” It will not remind PIL of his loose youth. It will remind PIL that he’s been to Bratislava, and a Lapdance is about £8. That will be noted.

Part Two: The Days At The Beach

PIL flew you there on a upmarket airline. Probably BA. So you had a few drinks on the plane. You’re all loosened up. You’re also frantically horny, because you are going on holiday with GFriend. The fact you’re around her parents makes this feel all the more secret and sexy. You also got up at 5.48 AM, and had 5 G&T’s on the plane, so you’re pissed, all of which adds to the horniness.

PIL wants you all to meet at the Beach Bar in 45 minutes. Check in will take 15, and GFriend is as nervous as you, so wants to make sure it really is 45 mins. You have a 22 minute window. You know that the deed can easily be achieved in this time but PIL is next door, unpacking his suitcase as you attempt to unpack his daughter. So turn on the shower, bath and sink taps. That’ll get the pumps moving between the rooms so that you’re activity will be masked by (ironically) a drilling sound.

You make it down the the beach bar. Here’s what you’re wearing.

Keep It Classy, Keep It Shorts

You’ll want to take a beach (hotel) towel and swimmers too, but for the beach bar you’re still on parade so look sharp with these well – cut shorts.

 

Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 12.11.49

 

Buy it here, or here (colours vary)
£14.99

Afternoon T on the Beach

Depending on your choice shorts, opt for a fitted plain-tee in whatever colour works. It’s simple, looks smart, and works at both the bar and later at the beach, where you’ll end up.

 

Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 12.36.44

£3.99

Buy it here
 

PIL’s from that generation where there was just like tonnes of money everywhere. Provided you weren’t a (serial) killer you’d join one company for like 22 years and get paid a bonus every time the (married) boss made one joke too many about his relationship with the secretary. In between wearing brown suits and executing the Ozone layer PIL made serious green, so this an all-inclusive-hotel trip. Double check that by asking “if there’s somewhere we can store our wallets if we jump in the sea” but it’s a 95% done thing.

Under normal free-bar circumstances, you might indulge the GFriend by ordering two of the most ridiculous, umbrella-wielding, multi-coloured cocktails possible, but on the Meet The Parents holiday you have to remember, your primary target is PIL. Either have what he’s having, or if it’s left up to you, order Mojito. This is the only way you’ll get through PIL’s assessment, as shown:

Ordering Beer = “He’s nervous. Doesn’t know what to order. Can’t abide by nervous men”

Ordering a Girly Cocktail = “I want my son in law to be a man’s man. Maybe one day we can go golfing. Not gonna happen if he orders that at the club house”

Ordering a Jack and Coke = “Great. I give it 3 hours before he gets hammered and suggests the two of us go to Magaluf for a ‘session’”

Ordering a glass of White Wine = “Christ. My daughter has him tamed. That means she’ll be running the wedding. So I’ll be fronting the cost”

Ordering A Mojito = “Correct. The only acceptable cocktail for a man on offer here. The guy knows what he’s about. ”

 

Vintage Chicago Crime Photos from between the 1900s and 1950s (1)

We just killed Tommy The Talker by drowning him in a vat of oil. Could we get two WKD Blues and a Gin and Slimline Tonic?

 
Part Three: The Restaurants

The afternoon became early evening, and the first day has been spent sunbathing, snoozing with the obligatory dive into the sea. For the most part there’s not been a lot of PIL exposure, as you both napped / went for wanders with the respective other halfs all day. But tonight you’ll face your greatest test yet: the Restaurant Meal. Ask PIL if he’s wearing shorts or trousers and follow his lead. Another point easily scored. Crucially, ask that early along with what time you all should meet for dinner. This give you two hours of unfettered Hotel Room Christening without the fear of noise drifting over adjoining balconies.

Wear the Jeans you wore to the airport. Annoyingly, you can’t wear the same shirt though. PIL won’t notice, but Mother In Law  will. She automatically likes you anyway (Mother In Laws are only nightmares to prospective wives…) but get this right just to make sure you’re solid.
Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 13.00.27

£9.99

Buy It Here

Depending on what you opted for with the airport shirt, make sure this one is different style-wise. Don’t go for plain – you don’t want things to feel too formal. Do keep it long-sleeve, though roll them up. Flip flops are fine if it’s resort restaurant. It’ll likely be a buffet/ hybrid part-buffet  of some description, so no fear on the ordering front either.

DO

– Drink wine. “Split a bottle” either with GFriend or PIL.
– Have an anecdote prepared about a family holiday from your childhood. Something about your dad getting way too sunburnt on the first day, or getting lost in the hire car, or memories of just being covered in inches of suncream from an anxious mother. Innocent kinda stuff.
Use the general travel chat to ask PIL about a) where else he’s been b) more about his line of work, what it involves, etc.
Relate to what he says with a challenge your having at work “I find it’s difficult with multiple project deadlines when-”. PIL will make a mental note. Ambitious young man. Win.

DON’T

-Smash the buffet so hard your plate looks like the deleted sex scene from Finding Nemo.

-If you’ve eaten lobster before, crack on. If not, and PIL is ordering it, absolutely get involved. Don’t try and go it alone. The same goes for Crab or any other sea creature sufficiently hardcore that even when long dead, still puts up a fight.

-Mix all your meats up. Remember, you have a night of drunken sex ahead. You do not want to be achieving take-off thrust at 2am in the ensuite bathroom.

– Be tactile with the GFriend. Make sure she’s included 100%, obviously, but hand holding, arm round shoulder-ing, any of that is not a good idea in front of PIL.

– On the same line, PIL may have fooled himself that nothing has happened between you and his beloved Lizzy so far, but he knows that tonight, something will. So on that note, try to avoid any words, in any circumstance that might bring in that mental image, including: ramming, smashing, pounding, thrusting, laying and so forth. As a ground rule, if the word cannot be used in the line of home improvement or landscape gardening, it’s probably safe.

Part Four: The Father-Son-In-Law-Alone-Time

There will come a moment on the holiday when PIL artfully orchestrates some time alone. A beer post-dinner at the bar. A walk along the beach in the evening. Interestingly it’ll be at this point where PIL feels more self-conscious than you. It’s probably not a good idea to “just quickly run back to the hotel room and slip into something else” as he’ll he may read that in the context of Lizzy. You may need a sweatshirt though, for when you inevitably hit it off and he wants to chat to you for an hour or so.

Opt for a long sleeve Tee. It’s lighter than a sweatshirt – so you won’t break out in a sweat which PIL will misinterpret as you talking BS. They’re also versatile tops to have around, and they always look smart.
 
Screen Shot 2015-06-23 at 16.16.20

£7.99

Buy It Here

DO

    – Let him do most of the talking. He’ll have some kind of speech, or line of questioning prepared. Go with that.

    – Follow his lead on booze. Getting drunk with PIL is a good shout, but only if he’s in the lead. If he’s on a tap water binge maybe go easy on doubles at the bar.

DON’T

    – Start some kind of monologue as to why Lizzy is The One. You’re on holiday, not Renewing Your Vows

    – Start bringing up Lizzy, once you know you’re pissed. PIL may try the Stalin Technique of getting you steaming then asking serious questions. If you fear you’re already drunk, apply this simple test. If when asked why it is you love PIL’s daughter, the answer should not require hand movements, particularly ones that re-enact that face-in-pillow hair-pulling shiznit you got up to three hours ago. You sick pup.

Part Five: Extras

Okay, All you’ve got left are the tiny details. You’re just 48 hours away from PIL declaring “He’s alright, that one.”

The problem with resort holidays is they’re a bit like Tinder dates. You’re not sure exactly how casual to go. You don’t want to be too formal, but just as “Coming Round Mine For A Bottle Of Pinot And A Poke” probably won’t cut it as a first date, turning up in your beach-grade kicks might undermine all that work you do. Play it safe and get a pair of dark, plain canvas shoes to complete your evening look.

 

Screen Shot 2015-06-23 at 16.19.24
12.99

Buy Them Here

Annoyingly H&M’s other variant on these with dark laces are out of stock. Dark laces you need, bro. Pick these up before you go to the airport.

Laces: About £3

You Bought:

1 pair of jeans @£14.99
1 shirt @ £12.99
1 pair of shorts @£14.99
1 T-shirt @ £3.99
1 Shirt @9.99
1 Long sleeve @ £7.99
1 Pair of shoes @ £12.99
1 x Laces @ £3
H&M Delivery £3.90

Total = £84.83

Leaving you with £15.83 with which you buy Lizzy a magazine and you buy a book. Remember PIL sees all, knows all.

You’ve done it. You’ve charmed PIL. Now you can look forward to friendly laid back chats for the remainder of your (6 or 7, max) years with Lizzy.

NICE ONE

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